Do Not Fear: Fearing Fear is Not Necessary

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.

Isaiah 41:10

The Futility of Fearing Fear

I am facing a couple of my biggest fears next week. First, I will be having one of the most difficult, uncomfortable conversations that I’ve ever had in my life. Second, a day later, I will be getting up in front of a large group of people and speaking into a microphone and putting myself out there to describe the course I want to teach later in the month. Fear rises up.

When I read verses like Isaiah 41:10, I realize that my fears are nothing like the fear spoken of in the verse. But they feel real, nonetheless. My body reacts as though my life were in danger. Sweaty palms, heart pounding, wanting to run, fear.

I realized that being afraid now, before those events happen, is futile. I’m actually fearing the fear that will come on those particular days. There is absolutely no benefit to fearing those events in the days leading up to it. And what if it was OK to feel it on those days? What is the worst thing about just feeling it? And moving forward anyway. That’s courage. I can acknowledge that I will be afraid. And I can decide that today, I won’t be afraid.

It all starts with recognizing what my brain is doing. Then I can decide to think differently.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

Why Life Coaching?

This is an exciting month for me. I started my Life Coach Certification training. This has been one of my big goals for a couple of years and the time has come to go for it. Even though I have already been coaching others, this training will put more tools in my toolbox so that I can grow and help others even more.

What is a Life Coach anyway?

Sometimes there is a misconception that life coaches are trying to be counselors or therapists. A life coach serves a different role. The services of a life coach provide the client with the opportunity to examine her own thinking and recognize the effect that that thinking is having on her results. Learning to manage your mind and your emotions is one of the most important things you can learn in life. If you are not achieving the goals you want, a life coach may be just the thing you need.

I hope you’ll stay tuned as I share what I’m learning with you. Over the next few months I’ll be needing clients who will let me practice my new found skills while I’m in training. Let me know if I can be of service!

The Problem With Instant Gratification

I Want It Now

Instant gratification – when you want what you want and you want it now. This comes up for me just about every day. When I desire to eat something that is not on my 24 hour plan I frequently struggle to say why I want it. My brain says, “I just want it.” And for too long I have given in to that desire. What I forget in the moment is that I’m giving up long-term satisfaction. I’m giving up the joy of reaching my weight loss goal. It just doesn’t feel as important in the moment when faced with the brownie, or the french fries, or whatever else I’m desiring.

Delayed Gratification

Learning this skill means that I learn to be uncomfortable in the moment. I learn to say no to the desire and just feel it without acting on it. The result is that I can satisfy a true desire down the road. I gain the satisfaction of numbers moving the right direction on the scale. I gain the result of improved health. I gain a sense of pride in sticking to my goals and making progress. I gain the benefit of being an example to others. This satisfaction is truly fulfilling and is a sign of my inward growth.

The Power of Your Mind: Lose or Gain, You Decide

Photo source: ID 50918170 © Lucas Cerdá | Dreamstime.com

In the Beginning

I feel like I’ve been heavy all my life. But I was a normal weight in my childhood. Once I hit puberty I started to get what my family called the Baker Butt. I was developing into more of a pear shape. Once, when visiting my Grandpa, he joked, “Wide load!” while making the noise of a truck beeping as it backs up. It has stuck with me all these years. I loved my Grandpa dearly so that probably made it even more painful. I know he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.  

I began to feel like I was a lesser person. It amazes me now that I could let moments like that define my self-worth. I want to go back and tell that young girl to shake it off.  I want to tell her that she was perfect just the way she was. I still struggle to tell myself that now.

The True Story

The truth is I was a healthy weight at that time. I joined the Marine Corps at 20 and maintained a healthy weight throughout all those years. Towards the end of my military tour I had my first baby and I struggled to lose the baby weight but I was still within the guidelines.

And yet my brain tells me that I was always overweight. It’s so interesting to look back at pictures and realize that I have been telling myself stories all along. Over time my thinking drove my feelings which drove my behavior and made my view of myself reality.

Over time I gained weight until, in 2017, I was 100 pounds overweight. I have some medical challenges like hypothyroid, a medication that can cause weight gain, and a sensitivity to carbohydrates. I realized I can't continue to use those things as excuses. I'm learning that my thinking plays an even bigger role in my own story.

Think Better Thoughts

I started learning about how powerful my thoughts were and how they created the results in my life. Here's an example of a thought model illustrating what I mean. The first model is how I was thinking. The second model is how I'm learning to think. (To learn more about how thought models work check out this post on Brooke Castillo's Self-Coaching Model)

Old Model:

Circumstance – my Grandpa’s statement

Thought – I’m fat

Feeling – "less than"

Action – eat my feelings

Result – gain weight

New model:

Circumstance – my Grandpa’s statement

Thought – I am worthy

Feeling – confident

Action – feel my feelings, even the negative ones

Result – stop overeating, lose weight

Be careful what you tell yourself. The mind is a powerful thing. It likes to believe all your negative thinking and then it sets to work to make it come true. What if you thought better thoughts?  

Developing a Habit to Change Negative Thinking

Photo by Nikita Kachanovsky on Unsplash

To Change Negative Thinking You Have to Catch the Thoughts

In a previous post I talked about establishing a habit of doing a thought download each day. Once you start doing this you will begin to notice thoughts that are not helping you. Thoughts that you might wish you could change. Awareness of your thinking is the first step to change negative thinking.

In my Bible study I learn that God wants me to “transform by the renewing of my mind” (Romans 12:1-2), to “take my thoughts captive”  (2 Corinthians 10:5), and to not “be double-minded” (James 1:8, 4:8). But my old, practiced thoughts keep coming up over and over. My brain has built circuitry to have these negative thoughts come up over and over. It takes awareness and practicing new thoughts in order to change your thinking.

Coach Brooke Castillo has developed a practice which I have felt very helpful in evaluating my thinking and taking steps to practice more intentional thinking. She calls it “the model” and it is a simple but powerful tool. It is based on the realization that any problem in life is actually a thought problem and you can always change how you are thinking about a situation.

The Model

The model is broken down into 5 components: Circumstance, Thought, Feeling, Action and Results (CTFAR).

Circumstance

The circumstance is the facts. Facts that anyone can agree on.

“My boyfriend is a jerk” is not a circumstance. It’s a thought. The circumstance would be, “I have a boyfriend.”

Thought

What is your thought about the circumstance? Choose just one thought.

Feeling

When you have this thought, what feeling does it generate? Your feelings are created by your thoughts.

Action

When you are feeling this way, what do you do?

Result

What are the results of your actions?

How to Put the Model to Use

The way to use this model is to do it twice. The first time you do it is called your unintentional model. It’s how you are already thinking about the circumstance and how it’s impacting your life. For example:

Circumstance –  I weigh 250 pounds

Thought –  I am stuck and can’t lose weight

Feeling –  Hopeless

Action – Overeat because it doesn’t matter anyway

Result – I don’t lose weight

The Intentional Model

The intentional model is where you re-write the circumstance and then tweak it to move you towards a better thought. Using the example above it might be too difficult to change my thinking to something like, “I can lose weight easily.” But I might be able to believe that it’s something I can figure out. Here’s how it changes my model:

Circumstance –  I weigh 250 pounds.

The circumstance doesn’t change. It’s the same as the unintentional model. We don’t change how we feel by changing our circumstances. We change our feelings by changing our thinking.

Thought –  I am figuring this out.

What do I need to think to feel a better feeling. In this example I want to feel more hopeful. So my thought becomes, “I am figuring this out.”

Feeling –  Hopeful.
Thinking that I am figuring this out opens up the possibility in my brain that this can be figured out and brings me hope.

Action – I track my food, plan my meals and evaluate if I can “level up” my eating.

If I feel hopeful I am more likely to take some steps towards figuring it out.

Result – I figure out how to start losing weight.
When I take steps I make progress.

Change

When I keep thinking the way I’ve always thought I stay the same. If I truly want to change and grow I have to change my thinking. The model has given me a practical way to do just that.

This post is a part of a 30 day series for the Ultimate Blogging Challenge. For more in this series click here for the main page with all the links.

Clean Up Your Thinking with a Daily Thought Download

Doing a thought download is a practice that has helped me in so many areas of my life. I started doing it as a practice to stop overeating. But I have learned that is is simply a good practice to help get the jumbled thoughts out of my head. This helps me start my day with some intentional thinking so I can increase the likelihood of meeting the day’s goals. Some people call this practice a brain dump.

I find when I am thinking about a problem or a challenge my thoughts get all mixed up with my usual habitual thinking. It’s hard to recognize a problem thought that my brain has turned into an automatic thought pattern. Once I start peeling it all apart and writing it down I can begin to think better thoughts to change the outcomes. Sometimes I am surprised by the thoughts once I get them down on paper.

The Rules

There are no rules.

You cannot mess it up.

There is no right or wrong.

Getting Started

I recommend you do this on paper rather than typing it out. There is something powerful in the connection between your brain and your hand. Start writing whatever’s on your mind. Write for two to three minutes. More if you’re on a roll. Empty out your mind onto the paper.

If it’s just not going to happen on paper, you can type your thought downloads.

You can start with some prompts to get you started if you feel stuck.

Today is going to be a ______ kind of day.
Fill in the blank and then begin to write about why you think the day is going to go that way. Is there anything you can do to have a better day? There are some more prompts at the bottom of the post.

If you are working on stopping overeating you can write down what you ate yesterday. Are you happy with your choices? Why or why not? Did you struggle with anything in particular? What is your eating plan for today. Are there any challenges you’ll face that you can work through before you get to them?

Truly, you can write about anything. Just free write and see what comes.

I hope you’ll give this a try and see how things can change if you start your day by clearing out your thoughts on paper.

Sample prompts:

• What actions can I take today (or tomorrow) to move me towards my goal?
• I wish I understood why I …
• What does self care mean to me?
• What can I do today that will make me proud of myself?
• Loving myself looks like…
• Today I am determined to…
• My ideal day includes…
• When I overeat I really want …

This post is a part of a 30 day series for the Ultimate Blogging Challenge. For more in this series click here for the main page with all the links.

Understanding the Difference Between Physical Hunger and Emotional Hunger

Physical Hunger vs. Emotional Hunger

• Have you ever had the urge to eat even though you just recently ate? This used to happen to me all the time. I would eat a great lunch and as soon as I got back to my office I felt the urge for something sweet.
• Have you ever eaten just because it was time to eat and you weren’t even really hungry? Me too. All. The. Time.
• Have you ever kept eating past the point where you were stuffed? Yep. Me too.
• Feeling the need to reward yourself with comfort food after a rough day? Totally!

As part of my weight loss journey I’ve been learning a great deal about the differences between physical hunger and emotional hunger. Distinguishing the difference between the two is one of the most important skills when working on decreasing overeating.

Physical Hunger

One of the best indicators of actual physical hunger is that any food will satisfy it. If you are hungry for just an In N Out burger and nothing else will do it’s likely that you’re feeling emotional hunger. Physical hunger occurs after some time has passed since your last meal. It comes on gradually and you can wait. In fact you may find that if you wait, the hungry feeling goes away for a while. You may have a rumbling sound or an empty sensation in your stomach. One key point is that satisfying true physical hunger doesn’t make you feel bad or guilty.

Emotional Hunger

Emotional or psychological hunger is a desire to eat even when you are not physically hungry. It can come on suddenly and feel very urgent. You may feel that you need to eat immediately. When trying to satisfy emotional hunger you tend to eat more – you have difficulty stopping when you are full. You may also crave a specific food. Emotional eating tends to trigger guilt, shame and a sense that you are powerless over overeating. It may satisfy you temporarily but since the root problem isn’t fixed, the hunger returns. The problem may be unmet emotional needs, the discomfort of feeling negative emotions, stress, anger, depression and boredom. It can even be simply out of habit.

Take Action

To start becoming more aware of how you feel when you are hungry try journaling for the next week or so. Each time you feel hungry or you just want to eat, write it down. What are you thinking about? What physical sensations do you have? Start to look at possible triggers for overeating. Once you can identify your triggers you can begin to take action. You can limit the triggers or develop alternate healthy behaviors.

Remember that emotional eating does not solve the problem you are trying to numb and you add problems – weight gain, feelings of shame or guilt, unresolved issues. And you never learn to actually notice your negative thoughts and emotions and learn to manage them.

Stop Quitting on Yourself by Growing Your Grit

“Quitting is a habit and justifying quitting is a skill.” – Brooke Castillo

It takes practice and focus to stop quitting on yourself.

If you want to stop quitting it helps to realize many of us have made it a lifetime habit to quit. If we have our brains on autopilot this is where we will end up – quitting. The subconscious part of our brain is focused on survival. It’s job is to tell us to seek pleasure, avoid pain and conserve energy. These are great guiding principles if I find myself in the middle of the desert struggling for survival. It requires the use of the pre-frontal cortex part of our brain to make decisions beyond mere survival and to produce awesomeness in the world. We must develop our thinking in order to meet goals that are uncomfortable. Goals like losing weight, learning something new, becoming a top athlete, homeschooling children.

What we practice is what we improve:

If I practice quitting I will become a better quitter. I spent many years practicing procrastination and it made me a great procrastinator. I also had a great deal of practice as an over-eater. What do you practice on a daily basis that may be taking you away from achieving your goals?

We make excuses (justifications) for quitting:

What excuses have you made for quitting something? Here are some of the favorites I’ve used:

• It was the holidays.
• I’m just to busy to do this right now.
• Something came up.
• I was on vacation.
• It was the program (or diet) that didn’t work.
• It’s too complicated.
• I’m  confused/overwhelmed.
• It’s my biology (age, diagnosis, etc.)

When you truly commit to something, failure is not an option.

I am learning to wrap my mind about the idea of fully committing. When you are fully committed you are no longer worried about failure. The only way to truly fail is by quitting. Quitting, in the moment, feels like relief.

When we commit to accomplishing something it feels great at first. We’re motivated and gung ho. If you have a goal to lose weight this is the stage where you’re making grocery lists, menus and diving into meal planning. As time goes by the discomfort sets in.

Then your survival brain kicks in and you may get scared that this will be one more diet that doesn’t work out. When you stop reaching for food for comfort you may find that you experience more negative emotions and thoughts. It gets tough trying to figure out how to do all this in the real world – lunch meetings with food, family functions, vacations, friends who just don’t get it. This is where you start to justify quitting. Once you quit you are relieved and temporarily happy with the decision. If may feel like peace or self-care. But later, regret and despair set in when you realize you are stuck back in your same old situation. Eventually you commit to trying again or to trying something new. And in the end you never reach your goal. It’s a vicious cycle. This is the exact cycle I was stuck in with dieting.

Discomfort doesn’t have to derail you!

The key is to do work on your thinking at the level of discomfort. I encourage you to get help with changing your thinking and learn to manage difficult emotions. This is the work I have been doing and, oh, how I wish I had known how to do this stuff sooner. Dive into your Bible and do some studying on the mind and on thinking. Get a counselor to work through some of this with a trained guide. Feel free to jump in our Facebook Nutrition Encouragement and Support group.

Read more about growing your grit here. Grit is a key ingredient in pushing past discomfort and learning to stop quitting on yourself. I just finished the book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance.  You can also sign up for my email newsletter so you don’t miss a post.

Meditation: A Daily Practice to Improve Memory, Focus and Willpower

We are bombarded with distraction every day: busyness, stress, social media, and an abundance of information. Our minds are a torrent of thoughts. A meditation practice can help us train our minds to move beyond the superficial noise and practice inner contemplation. I have often felt that one reason I don’t hear the still small voice of God is that I am not quiet long enough to listen.

Why meditate?

The Bible mentions meditation more than 50 times. The Hebrew words for meditation meant listening to God’s words, reflecting on His work, reviewing what He has done. Meditation is a practice of hearing God’s voice so that we can obey His words. We live in a physical world and many times we forget that we live in a spiritual world as well. Meditation is taking time to connect with the Divine and enjoy communion with Him. Jesus frequently drew away from the crowds to spend time in prayer and meditation.

Other Important Benefits

• It improves your ability to focus your attention and concentrate.
• With meditation you build willpower. Willpower is depleted but you can boost it with a mediation practice. Learn more about boosting your willpower here.
• It gives you a significant immune system boost as it decreases stress. It teaches you to relax and decreases anxiety.
• Mind-body practices can actually turn on the healthy expressions of many genes and turn off the unhealthy expression of genes.
• Meditation gives you practice living in the moment instead of with past events and future worries.
• You get practice noticing urges but not responding to them. You don’t have to respond to every irritation. This is a valuable life skill.

How do I create a meditation practice?

The key is to commit to the practice. We get good at it by doing it. Simply stated, we learn meditation by meditating. Put it on your calendar daily. Over time it will be a habit that you don’t have to think about it. You will just do it. Download my free weekly habit tracker printable at the bottom of this post.

Start small and be consistent. Keep it simple.

Establish a regular time to do it. Tie it to another routine to remind you to do it in the beginning. I am building a habit of doing it as part of my morning routine. After my alarm goes off I get up and take care of pets and get a big glass of water. I spend time studying my Bible and then I go into my workout room for my meditation and prayer time.

The purpose of meditation is not to get good at meditation. The purpose is to impact the rest of your day. It can help you to feel more grounded, centered, and conscientious. It can reduce anxiety and improve your memory. That sets you up for a day of feeling and being awesome!

Practical tips

Find Your Space

Ideally you will set up a place to meditate that is somewhat quiet and free of distractions. It doesn’t have to be completely silent but away from television and other noisy distractors. Another great place to meditate is outside, in nature.

In reality you can meditate anywhere, any time.  Susanna Wesley was the mother of well-known hymn writer Charles Wesley and John the founder of the Methodist church. She had 19 children (10 survived into adulthood) and there was no place or time for quiet solitude. So she developed a practice of pulling her apron over her head to spend time in prayer and meditation. Her children knew that when she was in this posture she was not to be disturbed.

Position yourself

Sit in a position of comfort but not slouched. Sit straight – on the floor or in a chair but sit up straight and tall. Your posture affects your mental state.

You can also practice meditation on your knees. Some days I get out my yoga mat and assume the position of Child’s Pose. It is comfortable to maintain and conveys a sense of surrender.

Breathe

Take deep rhythmic breaths (example: inhale for 6, hold for 2, exhale for 7). This helps to clear the mind and quiet the noise. Pay attention only to your breathing. Do this for a cycle of 5 repetitions.

When the mind drifts, bring it back. Your mind will wander. This is not about turning off your brain; it’s just about bringing it back when it does. In the normal course of our days we are bombarded with thoughts. It’s natural that it will return to this pattern. Observe that you drifted and bring your mind back to the task at hand. This practice is like doing repetitions in an exercise program. You get better and better at it as you practice.

As you meditate you will notice multiple irritations. Train your mind not to respond to every irritation or urge. This is fantastic training for your mind. Itchy nose? Buzzing fly? Urge to open your eyes? Work on increasing the amount of time that you can notice the irritation and not respond to it.

Different types of meditation

There are many ways to meditate but here are some common versions:

Meditate on the Scripture

Ponder it in your heart. Imagine yourself in the “scene.” Use your senses. Imagine how it would have felt listening to Jesus’ words as He taught the Beatitudes. What does it sound like, what would it feel like to sit on a grassy hill with thousands of others who had come to hear this teacher? Are there any particular smells? What hope do you feel as you sit there listening and realizing that this man could truly be the Messiah? Let the verses take root in your heart.

Center Yourself

This is a type of meditation that gives you space to be still and center your mind. Allow God to commune with you. Give Him your concerns and surrender to whatever He has for you. Release the things that are burdening you. He knows our needs but He still wants to hear about them from you. Philippians 4: 8 says, “…let your requests be known to God.”

Meditate on Creation

If you are meditating outside or have a view of the outside, really look at nature. Be in wonder of what God has created. Ask God what He is saying through His creation.

The Choice Between Anxiety and Faith

“The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.”                 George Mueller

Tackling Anxiety and Worry

Philippians 4:6-7 is often quoted and memorized.

"6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I grew up knowing these verses but never really understanding how to apply them in my life. How do you just, "be anxious for nothing?" I prayed. But most times the worry was just still there. Sometimes quietly running in the background of my mind. Sometimes loudly screaming incessantly in my ear. I would feel guilty for being anxious when I knew I should be giving the worry over to God. So then I was not only worrying about the original worry, but also worrying about my faith. I didn't feel the peace of God that was promised so I felt like I was always missing something.

What I didn't realize was that the key for me was found in the next verses. God had given me actionable steps to take to manage my thinking. 

"8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

It Takes Practice

The bottom line is that I need  a daily practice of thinking about the right things. I am responsible to invest my thought life on things that I know to be true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praiseworthy, etc. 

When I spend my time thinking about my anxieties and worries they are things that are potential future events. I am thinking about things that may or may not be true. God tells me to think about what I know to be true. Not on what my imagination has dreamed up as future possibilities.

I also need to look at what I am filling my mind with. IfI start my day watching or listening to the news my mind is filled with negativity. I now have a practice of starting my day with the Word of God. The Bible contains the tools and the wisdom I need to get through life. If I don't have the right tools in the tool box I can't access what I need when my mind is running amok.

What we spend time thinking about matters.